Okay, so today talks about being irritated. About how often when we are stressed due to relational stress, monetary stress, health issues, or selfishiness, we hover on the borderline of anger, just waiting for anything to push us over. It's true. So, real love doesn't wait for a push, it forgives quickly and practices patience. It needs something really big to have to fight for it, not the little everyday stuff that builds in everyday life. We are not to be annoyed by everything our spouse says or does, that is not healthy and it is very selfish to hold all these things together until we can't hold it in and we explode.
Today's dare is to look for the things that are creating stress in our lives, and to create margins around them, in order to better protect our hearts and minds from stress that will cause irritation, and cause us to be easily angered. I am to make a list of these things, and how I will change them.
This is WAY harder than it may seem.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Day Five
Apologies to any of you who have been here earlier today, last night as we crawled into bed, Ray told me to poke him this morning and he'd get up with the kids and let me sleep in. Wow! Of course they all slept until 8:45, but I didn't have to do breakfast or any of the other morning stuff. It was a nice break!
So DAY FIVE! This one talks about rudeness, things we do or say, in front of our spouse that we would never do in front of strangers or friends. These things just aren't okay. Of course I immediately think of the belching that Ray always does. EEEWWW! I am not with Shrek in the theory of 'better out than in', I think it's gross, and although it is occasionally necessary, it is something that can be controlled. Eewww. again.
But of course this isn't about what Ray is doing, it's about me, so here's the test it gives:
How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them? Ummm.... probably like I'm degrading him all the time about his gross sense of humor?
How does your behaviour affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem? Ummmm... probably makes him feel fairly worthless, and like I don't like him much.
Would your husband say you are a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing? Ummm... well.... depends on the day??? Honestly, I know that I occassionally reprimand him or dirty-look him in front of others (usually when he's embarrasing me), but I know that in turn that embarrasses him too. Ugh. The vicious cycle.
So, the dare today is to literally ask Ray to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. I have to do this without attacking or justifying my behaviour.
Great.
So, I guess I'll share the answers with you later. If I have to. Lol! Pray about this one folks, who really wants to ask something like that???
So DAY FIVE! This one talks about rudeness, things we do or say, in front of our spouse that we would never do in front of strangers or friends. These things just aren't okay. Of course I immediately think of the belching that Ray always does. EEEWWW! I am not with Shrek in the theory of 'better out than in', I think it's gross, and although it is occasionally necessary, it is something that can be controlled. Eewww. again.
But of course this isn't about what Ray is doing, it's about me, so here's the test it gives:
How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them? Ummm.... probably like I'm degrading him all the time about his gross sense of humor?
How does your behaviour affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem? Ummmm... probably makes him feel fairly worthless, and like I don't like him much.
Would your husband say you are a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing? Ummm... well.... depends on the day??? Honestly, I know that I occassionally reprimand him or dirty-look him in front of others (usually when he's embarrasing me), but I know that in turn that embarrasses him too. Ugh. The vicious cycle.
So, the dare today is to literally ask Ray to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. I have to do this without attacking or justifying my behaviour.
Great.
So, I guess I'll share the answers with you later. If I have to. Lol! Pray about this one folks, who really wants to ask something like that???
~~UPDATE~~
Me: Can you tell me three things that I do that cause you to be uncomfortable or irritated with me?
Ray: Is this a facebook quiz?
Me: (Smiling) No.
Ray: (looking suspicious) is this a test?
Me: No.
Ray: Are you gonna tell me three things I do that irritate you?
Me: (smiling more) No.
Ray: (thinking) irritates or embarrasses? Those are wierd words. You don't do anything that I can think of.
Me: (shooting him the 'yeah right' look.)
Ray: Really. I can't think of anything. (turns away, done with the conversation).
Okay, so that's how it went. No answers. Of course now that the question is on the table, it will always be there for him to use against me. Later on in the day he tried to grope me and I smacked his hand away. "THAT annoys me!" He said with a smile. Great.
So, pray harder for me. PLEASE. Lol!
Me: Can you tell me three things that I do that cause you to be uncomfortable or irritated with me?
Ray: Is this a facebook quiz?
Me: (Smiling) No.
Ray: (looking suspicious) is this a test?
Me: No.
Ray: Are you gonna tell me three things I do that irritate you?
Me: (smiling more) No.
Ray: (thinking) irritates or embarrasses? Those are wierd words. You don't do anything that I can think of.
Me: (shooting him the 'yeah right' look.)
Ray: Really. I can't think of anything. (turns away, done with the conversation).
Okay, so that's how it went. No answers. Of course now that the question is on the table, it will always be there for him to use against me. Later on in the day he tried to grope me and I smacked his hand away. "THAT annoys me!" He said with a smile. Great.
So, pray harder for me. PLEASE. Lol!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Day Four
It's only day four, and I feel like it's been forever. Should it really be this hard to be nice all the time? Sure does make me realize that when I thought I was always being selfless before, I really wasn't! Today the book talks about the difference in the way men and women communicate. Men are direct, women hint around. And they talk about how your thoughts when you first meet revolve around the other person, you think about them all the time. What they like, what you can do to make them smile, etc. The dare today is to contact Ray while he' s at work today and just ask how he is and if he needs anything. I'm sure that this would make a big impression, but even when he was working, it would have been crazy to do. As it stands, we will be together all day, going to the city with the kids. I'm not sure how I'll accomplish something like this, but I will try to figure something out. I wonder if The Love Dare in general is harder when your spouse is at home with you full time. I bet it is, although if they worked all the time it would be hard too. Keep on praying friends!
~~UPDATE~~
Okay, so the day went easily. Yet again, I had to catch myself before I criticized Ray, or even dirty-looked him when he did or said something that I didn't like. Other than that, it was good. At one point I wasn't feeling well, and kind of clammed up. He was so good to me, and with the kids. I loved hearing him coach one of them through peeling a very sticky sticker off of her cheek. He was patient and kind. Also, there were many times during the day when one of the kids would do or say something and Ray and I would look at each other, and see in each other's eyes the same pride and joy as we were feeling! It was so wonderful to share that with him! That said, I'm not sure if I actually asked him if he needed anything. Well, I'd asked him that yesterday so he reminded me of it and wanted to purchase something small. Of course I said yes, but I don't think that really counts.
Okay, so the day went easily. Yet again, I had to catch myself before I criticized Ray, or even dirty-looked him when he did or said something that I didn't like. Other than that, it was good. At one point I wasn't feeling well, and kind of clammed up. He was so good to me, and with the kids. I loved hearing him coach one of them through peeling a very sticky sticker off of her cheek. He was patient and kind. Also, there were many times during the day when one of the kids would do or say something and Ray and I would look at each other, and see in each other's eyes the same pride and joy as we were feeling! It was so wonderful to share that with him! That said, I'm not sure if I actually asked him if he needed anything. Well, I'd asked him that yesterday so he reminded me of it and wanted to purchase something small. Of course I said yes, but I don't think that really counts.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
DAY THREE
For those of you who are new to my blog (since it's new, that'll be most of you ;) , Each day I'll write up generally what the dare for that day is, and what I hope to do. I'd love your prayer as you go through your day alongside! The next morning I will add a paragraph to the previous day's post, letting you know how it went. So remember to look at yesterday's post to see how it went!
Okay, so on to DAY THREE!!
Today we are discovering that we are all self-motivated. Funny, this was one of the top words I would have used to describe Ray a couple of days ago. *gulp* (That was me swallowing my pride, and my foot-lol). There is a list of questions to ask yourself, about who you are putting first, and one of them was "Does my spouse see me as looking out for myself first?" My back went up immediately. Because if I don't look out for me, who's going to? It's a minor sense of panic to shift my protective barrier and place it over Ray instead, because then I am completely unprotected against anything that comes my way. I hope that's making sense. This seems like such a little thing, but when I have felt neglected or unappreciated, I made up for it by not letting it matter to me. I simply protected myself first. For example, when my keys were missing, Ray's reaction was not what I wanted. I wanted him to say "Charlie, it's okay, either they'll turn up or we'll just pay the bill. I love you and in the end it doesn't matter. If we pay the bill and then you find the keys, then we'll have a spare set, and that'll be good too!" But when he found out that I'd lost them, I was already flustered. We were very low on money, and I'l been searching all day, and looking at options on how to get a new key. It was going to cost over 200 dollars! I cried to him and told him how much it was going to cost and how I'd been looking everywhere and how we just couldn't afford this. His reaction was to list a million places for me to look, most of which I'd already searched, and some where there was NO WAY the keys could ever be. This took place while I made dinner for the kids, etc. He also reminded me that this was the second set of keys that I'd lost in four years. Like I need that reminder. Anyway- maybe if I would have changed MY way of telling him, if I'd apologized for losing them, and for the extra expense, and taken a different, less-about-me-and-my-stress and more about his, he MAY have stepped in and reassured me, instead of berating. I could almost see him doing that. BUT that's where the risk comes in! IF I said those things, and he still 'attacked' me, I'd be so much more wounded than if I was already mad a stressed to begin with. At least that was MY choice and not his!
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conciet, but with humilty of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." -Phillipians 2:3
Todays dare reminds us that where we put our time, money and energy shows what is important to us. I am to buy Ray something today that will tell him I was thinking of him today.
God bless you all, thanks for listening!
Okay, so on to DAY THREE!!
Today we are discovering that we are all self-motivated. Funny, this was one of the top words I would have used to describe Ray a couple of days ago. *gulp* (That was me swallowing my pride, and my foot-lol). There is a list of questions to ask yourself, about who you are putting first, and one of them was "Does my spouse see me as looking out for myself first?" My back went up immediately. Because if I don't look out for me, who's going to? It's a minor sense of panic to shift my protective barrier and place it over Ray instead, because then I am completely unprotected against anything that comes my way. I hope that's making sense. This seems like such a little thing, but when I have felt neglected or unappreciated, I made up for it by not letting it matter to me. I simply protected myself first. For example, when my keys were missing, Ray's reaction was not what I wanted. I wanted him to say "Charlie, it's okay, either they'll turn up or we'll just pay the bill. I love you and in the end it doesn't matter. If we pay the bill and then you find the keys, then we'll have a spare set, and that'll be good too!" But when he found out that I'd lost them, I was already flustered. We were very low on money, and I'l been searching all day, and looking at options on how to get a new key. It was going to cost over 200 dollars! I cried to him and told him how much it was going to cost and how I'd been looking everywhere and how we just couldn't afford this. His reaction was to list a million places for me to look, most of which I'd already searched, and some where there was NO WAY the keys could ever be. This took place while I made dinner for the kids, etc. He also reminded me that this was the second set of keys that I'd lost in four years. Like I need that reminder. Anyway- maybe if I would have changed MY way of telling him, if I'd apologized for losing them, and for the extra expense, and taken a different, less-about-me-and-my-stress and more about his, he MAY have stepped in and reassured me, instead of berating. I could almost see him doing that. BUT that's where the risk comes in! IF I said those things, and he still 'attacked' me, I'd be so much more wounded than if I was already mad a stressed to begin with. At least that was MY choice and not his!
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conciet, but with humilty of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." -Phillipians 2:3
Todays dare reminds us that where we put our time, money and energy shows what is important to us. I am to buy Ray something today that will tell him I was thinking of him today.
God bless you all, thanks for listening!
~UPDATE~
So, honestly, today was a bit slow. I'm still working on my thoughts and trying to be careful with my words. You'd think it would be easy, but I've been in the habit and slipping in 'digs' here and there, to try and hint him along in changing. (Yah, nice, I know!). Today I surprised him with a Subway Sub, which is a huge treat for him, although I royally messed it up. For some reason (like I'm a terrible wife) I mind blanked on what he may NOT like on his sub and added some of those things! Lol! Surprisingly, he thanked me and ate the whole thing without a complaint. Even later when he was asked about it, we were able to laugh as he said it was 'the most interesting combination of flavours' he'd ever had on a sub. ;P So, it wasn't a total flop, anyway.
So, honestly, today was a bit slow. I'm still working on my thoughts and trying to be careful with my words. You'd think it would be easy, but I've been in the habit and slipping in 'digs' here and there, to try and hint him along in changing. (Yah, nice, I know!). Today I surprised him with a Subway Sub, which is a huge treat for him, although I royally messed it up. For some reason (like I'm a terrible wife) I mind blanked on what he may NOT like on his sub and added some of those things! Lol! Surprisingly, he thanked me and ate the whole thing without a complaint. Even later when he was asked about it, we were able to laugh as he said it was 'the most interesting combination of flavours' he'd ever had on a sub. ;P So, it wasn't a total flop, anyway.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
DAY Two
So, DAY TWO is to continue to be nice, no harsh words, be patient with Ray, and in addition (just as it states in the movie) I need to surprise him with an act of kindness. Basically we are discovering that to be patient means you stop with bad reactions, but to be kind is to go past that and actually do something nice, even when it's undeserved. Hmmmmm.... what to do.... I'll get back to you all soon. Keep praying, and let me know if you've stopped in.
UPDATE~~
So, I tried to be kind all day, with little things. Made coffee for him before he got up, tried to observe and thank him for the things he did for me (ie. making supper and cleaning up after it, while keeping the kids happy while I had a very long conference call)- and I didn't mention that he didn't wash the table or counter when he cleaned up. ;P When we went out I got up to get myself a coffee, and when I came to sit back down, I realized that no one had offered Ray on, including me, so I passed him mine, and went to get another one. That was the kind of thing I'm always wishing he'd do for me, without being asked. When he looked surprised and said 'Oh! Thank you', I realized that I haven't done much of that either!! I also gave him a back massage, as he claims to be a 'physical touch' guy, I thought perhaps that would mean more to him. I struggled a few times with not criticizing, and caught myself in the middle of some not encouraging sentences, so I stopped and apologized immediately. It was nothing that needed to be said, but my mouth has been used to spitting venom. As an example, He was suggesting something for dinner, and I shot him down, telling him that that was the 'wrong' food to have with his suggestion. Of course I bought what he wanted, and then he was mad. I had to explain that his was the wiser choice. The kids would like it better, and it was less than half the price, he'd made a better choice than mine. So, that's the day in a nutshell. Again, no big conflicts... yet...keep praying!
So, I tried to be kind all day, with little things. Made coffee for him before he got up, tried to observe and thank him for the things he did for me (ie. making supper and cleaning up after it, while keeping the kids happy while I had a very long conference call)- and I didn't mention that he didn't wash the table or counter when he cleaned up. ;P When we went out I got up to get myself a coffee, and when I came to sit back down, I realized that no one had offered Ray on, including me, so I passed him mine, and went to get another one. That was the kind of thing I'm always wishing he'd do for me, without being asked. When he looked surprised and said 'Oh! Thank you', I realized that I haven't done much of that either!! I also gave him a back massage, as he claims to be a 'physical touch' guy, I thought perhaps that would mean more to him. I struggled a few times with not criticizing, and caught myself in the middle of some not encouraging sentences, so I stopped and apologized immediately. It was nothing that needed to be said, but my mouth has been used to spitting venom. As an example, He was suggesting something for dinner, and I shot him down, telling him that that was the 'wrong' food to have with his suggestion. Of course I bought what he wanted, and then he was mad. I had to explain that his was the wiser choice. The kids would like it better, and it was less than half the price, he'd made a better choice than mine. So, that's the day in a nutshell. Again, no big conflicts... yet...keep praying!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Day ONE...
Okay, so I want you all to know first off that if you are interested in this- GO BUY THE BOOK!
I want to be able to include quotes and ideas from "The Love Dare" but that will in no way replace the value of everything the book has to say. Okay? Thanks.
As I read today, it was about patience and kindness, not reacting based on how I feel, whether hurt or angry, but to give more chances and to be kind. "Can she know that locking her keys in the car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning lecture that makes her feel like a child?"-This sentence made me very angry- why? you may ask? Because this type of thing has happened to each of us. MY reaction to his costly mistake was a 'no big deal, hon, we'll just pay to fix it, it's not the end of the world.' - HIS reaction was 'What? Why aren't you looking still, why aren't the kids, what were you thinking?'
So again, I wonder why I am the one doing the love dare. UNTIL I hit the next sentence "Can he know that cheering during the last seconds of a football game won't invite a loud mouthed laundry list of ways he should be spending his time?" -Lol! Okay, okay, so maybe I do need to work on myself a little too! ;)
I will check in most likely tomorrow morning to let you know how today went in my practicing of patience, and to let you know what I'll be up for tomorrow.
I truly covet your prayers, friends. Thank you.
I want to be able to include quotes and ideas from "The Love Dare" but that will in no way replace the value of everything the book has to say. Okay? Thanks.
So,~ DAY ONE~
As I read today, it was about patience and kindness, not reacting based on how I feel, whether hurt or angry, but to give more chances and to be kind. "Can she know that locking her keys in the car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning lecture that makes her feel like a child?"-This sentence made me very angry- why? you may ask? Because this type of thing has happened to each of us. MY reaction to his costly mistake was a 'no big deal, hon, we'll just pay to fix it, it's not the end of the world.' - HIS reaction was 'What? Why aren't you looking still, why aren't the kids, what were you thinking?'
So again, I wonder why I am the one doing the love dare. UNTIL I hit the next sentence "Can he know that cheering during the last seconds of a football game won't invite a loud mouthed laundry list of ways he should be spending his time?" -Lol! Okay, okay, so maybe I do need to work on myself a little too! ;)
I will check in most likely tomorrow morning to let you know how today went in my practicing of patience, and to let you know what I'll be up for tomorrow.
I truly covet your prayers, friends. Thank you.
UPDATE~~How It went...
The day went fairly well, we weren't fighting about anything so it was relatively easy to be nice with my words. I was annoyed and had to bite my tongue a few times, for little stuff, like leaving dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, but in all I think I did it!
The day went fairly well, we weren't fighting about anything so it was relatively easy to be nice with my words. I was annoyed and had to bite my tongue a few times, for little stuff, like leaving dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, but in all I think I did it!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Why The Love Dare??
Hi, I'm Charlie T (a girl ;), and I'm 32 years old. I have been married for 13 of those years to a man named Ray with whom I am having some issues. They are not all deal breaker issues, but it becomes the cycle of 'how long do I live like this, and why should I?', 'I could be happier on my own', or even 'what in the world was I thinking marrying him?'
We have kids, beautiful ones, who to my shame have lately been hearing my vicious rants about their father. It's completely immature of me to try to hurt him that way, but being that he rarely talks to me, they are the listening ears subject to my venting.
The majority of our friends have seen a flash or two of his real self, not the 'I'm so charming' persona he wears like a coat when we leave the house. They are not surprised by it, but I have been asked more than once how I can stand it, or told how 'amazing' I am for staying with him all this time. Perhaps you'd think these comments would help me feel better, but they really don't.
If you asked me to tell you the good things about my husband, I could recite a list, and they'd all be true. He is generous, he allows me to follow whatever passions I have at the time, he will spend money to see family (which is super important to me). He loves God, he both disciplines and loves our children in the same way I do. He has always worked to provide for us, and he is not discriminating about the job, as long as it pays the bills. He thinks I'm beautiful (totally has rose-colored glasses on), and is physically affectionate. A pretty good list, I'd say.
BUT... (come on, you had to know there'd be a big but!! Lol)
If you were to ask me to just describe him, not being specific about the good qualities- none of these things come to mind. It would be very, very different. I don't know how much to go into here, I don't want to encourage my mind to focus on the bad, but upon realizing how I see him, how little respect I have on a daily basis, I know I have to do something.
Trying to be objective, I could say that Ray is unmotivated for sure. Possible lazy. I do everything for him. He doesn't order me to do it all- it's not a servant slave relationship, he just doesn't do anything- so I do. It's cast me in the role of enabler, and I'm not sure I want to be the 'nag' or 'controlling wife' in order to change that. Some of it is normal man stuff- he just doesn't notice when the bathroom is dirty. (How does one not notice? EEEeeewwww). But some of it is bigger, like when he lost his job, and didn't bother looking for a new one because he somehow divined that 'nobody was hiring'. And when I finally got him to look online for work, he spent one day applying and then sat back for weeks to wait for a call, while our bank account completely disappeared. Are you kidding me?
When he gets mad, he shuts down. Totally turns into a statue. Won't talk, nod or acknowledge me in any way. It is SO hurtful. Then when I (it's always me, and I really mean always) apologize and suck up enough- he just starts talking about normal things again, as if the whole thing never happened. That is NOT the way to resolve anything, now, is it? He does it in front of the kids, but as soon as someone else is there, he's Mr. I'll-talk-to-you-for-now, acknowledging me just enough that he doesn't look bad. He is very self motivated, it's like a teenager, all about him. He is always the victim- he needs encouragement. He forgets that maybe sometimes I am the one who could use that same encouragement.
When we married, Ray made me promise that it was forever. He had been a child of divorce and refused to ever put his own kids through that. I agreed, and married him knowing that there were no 'get out early' options. Duh, that's what marriage is supposed to be anyway, right? That said, I am now going to spend my life with someone who isn't doing for me all the things I need. And he's not even living up to a fraction of his potential as a human being. This man is full of good things that are all going to waste. I want better. I want a life of loving and laughing and sharing, and talking!!
So. I watched this movie called "Fireproof", and the whole time saw flashes of my husband. All I wanted was for him to love me enough to do "The Love Dare". Just to show me that our marriage mattered to him, and that he loved me. Finally I stopped deceiving myself, and decided that if I wanted our marriage to be amazing, I was going to have to do it myself (Yes, just like everything else in our lives) So I went to the bookstore I bought the book.
And then I had a major war with myself. Why do I have to do it? I feel as if I've been doing the "Love Dare" and loving him unconditionally for all of these years already, overlooking the faults, defending him to my friends, encouraging him in the down times, reminding him about all his good qualities... And now I need to totally put myself out there to suck up to him more? Doesn't that make him all the more spoiled? Is he EVER going to learn that life isn't all about him? (Yeah, I know, I sound totally self righteous). I even have had flashes of Jon and Kate, who just don't care enough anymore to go to so much trouble. There is already too much hurt and resentment. I don't want us to get to that point. So, I'm gonna suck up my ego, and try to love him to the best of my ability.
Pray for me, please, and I will try to blog the honest truth about how each day goes.
It's my prayer that this blog will not only help me in my journey, but that perhaps it could bring some hope to any of you who are struggling with these or other issues in your relationships.
We have kids, beautiful ones, who to my shame have lately been hearing my vicious rants about their father. It's completely immature of me to try to hurt him that way, but being that he rarely talks to me, they are the listening ears subject to my venting.
The majority of our friends have seen a flash or two of his real self, not the 'I'm so charming' persona he wears like a coat when we leave the house. They are not surprised by it, but I have been asked more than once how I can stand it, or told how 'amazing' I am for staying with him all this time. Perhaps you'd think these comments would help me feel better, but they really don't.
If you asked me to tell you the good things about my husband, I could recite a list, and they'd all be true. He is generous, he allows me to follow whatever passions I have at the time, he will spend money to see family (which is super important to me). He loves God, he both disciplines and loves our children in the same way I do. He has always worked to provide for us, and he is not discriminating about the job, as long as it pays the bills. He thinks I'm beautiful (totally has rose-colored glasses on), and is physically affectionate. A pretty good list, I'd say.
BUT... (come on, you had to know there'd be a big but!! Lol)
If you were to ask me to just describe him, not being specific about the good qualities- none of these things come to mind. It would be very, very different. I don't know how much to go into here, I don't want to encourage my mind to focus on the bad, but upon realizing how I see him, how little respect I have on a daily basis, I know I have to do something.
Trying to be objective, I could say that Ray is unmotivated for sure. Possible lazy. I do everything for him. He doesn't order me to do it all- it's not a servant slave relationship, he just doesn't do anything- so I do. It's cast me in the role of enabler, and I'm not sure I want to be the 'nag' or 'controlling wife' in order to change that. Some of it is normal man stuff- he just doesn't notice when the bathroom is dirty. (How does one not notice? EEEeeewwww). But some of it is bigger, like when he lost his job, and didn't bother looking for a new one because he somehow divined that 'nobody was hiring'. And when I finally got him to look online for work, he spent one day applying and then sat back for weeks to wait for a call, while our bank account completely disappeared. Are you kidding me?
When he gets mad, he shuts down. Totally turns into a statue. Won't talk, nod or acknowledge me in any way. It is SO hurtful. Then when I (it's always me, and I really mean always) apologize and suck up enough- he just starts talking about normal things again, as if the whole thing never happened. That is NOT the way to resolve anything, now, is it? He does it in front of the kids, but as soon as someone else is there, he's Mr. I'll-talk-to-you-for-now, acknowledging me just enough that he doesn't look bad. He is very self motivated, it's like a teenager, all about him. He is always the victim- he needs encouragement. He forgets that maybe sometimes I am the one who could use that same encouragement.
When we married, Ray made me promise that it was forever. He had been a child of divorce and refused to ever put his own kids through that. I agreed, and married him knowing that there were no 'get out early' options. Duh, that's what marriage is supposed to be anyway, right? That said, I am now going to spend my life with someone who isn't doing for me all the things I need. And he's not even living up to a fraction of his potential as a human being. This man is full of good things that are all going to waste. I want better. I want a life of loving and laughing and sharing, and talking!!
So. I watched this movie called "Fireproof", and the whole time saw flashes of my husband. All I wanted was for him to love me enough to do "The Love Dare". Just to show me that our marriage mattered to him, and that he loved me. Finally I stopped deceiving myself, and decided that if I wanted our marriage to be amazing, I was going to have to do it myself (Yes, just like everything else in our lives) So I went to the bookstore I bought the book.
And then I had a major war with myself. Why do I have to do it? I feel as if I've been doing the "Love Dare" and loving him unconditionally for all of these years already, overlooking the faults, defending him to my friends, encouraging him in the down times, reminding him about all his good qualities... And now I need to totally put myself out there to suck up to him more? Doesn't that make him all the more spoiled? Is he EVER going to learn that life isn't all about him? (Yeah, I know, I sound totally self righteous). I even have had flashes of Jon and Kate, who just don't care enough anymore to go to so much trouble. There is already too much hurt and resentment. I don't want us to get to that point. So, I'm gonna suck up my ego, and try to love him to the best of my ability.
Pray for me, please, and I will try to blog the honest truth about how each day goes.
It's my prayer that this blog will not only help me in my journey, but that perhaps it could bring some hope to any of you who are struggling with these or other issues in your relationships.
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