Why The Love Dare??

Hi, I'm Charlie T (a girl ;), and I'm 32 years old. I have been married for 13 of those years to a man named Ray with whom I am having some issues. They are not all deal breaker issues, but it becomes the cycle of 'how long do I live like this, and why should I?', 'I could be happier on my own', or even 'what in the world was I thinking marrying him?'
We have kids, beautiful ones, who to my shame have lately been hearing my vicious rants about their father. It's completely immature of me to try to hurt him that way, but being that he rarely talks to me, they are the listening ears subject to my venting.
The majority of our friends have seen a flash or two of his real self, not the 'I'm so charming' persona he wears like a coat when we leave the house. They are not surprised by it, but I have been asked more than once how I can stand it, or told how 'amazing' I am for staying with him all this time. Perhaps you'd think these comments would help me feel better, but they really don't.
If you asked me to tell you the good things about my husband, I could recite a list, and they'd all be true. He is generous, he allows me to follow whatever passions I have at the time, he will spend money to see family (which is super important to me). He loves God, he both disciplines and loves our children in the same way I do. He has always worked to provide for us, and he is not discriminating about the job, as long as it pays the bills. He thinks I'm beautiful (totally has rose-colored glasses on), and is physically affectionate. A pretty good list, I'd say.

BUT... (come on, you had to know there'd be a big but!! Lol)

If you were to ask me to just describe him, not being specific about the good qualities- none of these things come to mind. It would be very, very different. I don't know how much to go into here, I don't want to encourage my mind to focus on the bad, but upon realizing how I see him, how little respect I have on a daily basis, I know I have to do something.

Trying to be objective, I could say that Ray is unmotivated for sure. Possible lazy. I do everything for him. He doesn't order me to do it all- it's not a servant slave relationship, he just doesn't do anything- so I do. It's cast me in the role of enabler, and I'm not sure I want to be the 'nag' or 'controlling wife' in order to change that. Some of it is normal man stuff- he just doesn't notice when the bathroom is dirty. (How does one not notice? EEEeeewwww). But some of it is bigger, like when he lost his job, and didn't bother looking for a new one because he somehow divined that 'nobody was hiring'. And when I finally got him to look online for work, he spent one day applying and then sat back for weeks to wait for a call, while our bank account completely disappeared. Are you kidding me?

When he gets mad, he shuts down. Totally turns into a statue. Won't talk, nod or acknowledge me in any way. It is SO hurtful. Then when I (it's always me, and I really mean always) apologize and suck up enough- he just starts talking about normal things again, as if the whole thing never happened. That is NOT the way to resolve anything, now, is it? He does it in front of the kids, but as soon as someone else is there, he's Mr. I'll-talk-to-you-for-now, acknowledging me just enough that he doesn't look bad. He is very self motivated, it's like a teenager, all about him. He is always the victim- he needs encouragement. He forgets that maybe sometimes I am the one who could use that same encouragement.

When we married, Ray made me promise that it was forever. He had been a child of divorce and refused to ever put his own kids through that. I agreed, and married him knowing that there were no 'get out early' options. Duh, that's what marriage is supposed to be anyway, right? That said, I am now going to spend my life with someone who isn't doing for me all the things I need. And he's not even living up to a fraction of his potential as a human being. This man is full of good things that are all going to waste. I want better. I want a life of loving and laughing and sharing, and talking!!

So. I watched this movie called "Fireproof", and the whole time saw flashes of my husband. All I wanted was for him to love me enough to do "The Love Dare". Just to show me that our marriage mattered to him, and that he loved me. Finally I stopped deceiving myself, and decided that if I wanted our marriage to be amazing, I was going to have to do it myself (Yes, just like everything else in our lives) So I went to the bookstore I bought the book.

And then I had a major war with myself. Why do I have to do it? I feel as if I've been doing the "Love Dare" and loving him unconditionally for all of these years already, overlooking the faults, defending him to my friends, encouraging him in the down times, reminding him about all his good qualities... And now I need to totally put myself out there to suck up to him more? Doesn't that make him all the more spoiled? Is he EVER going to learn that life isn't all about him? (Yeah, I know, I sound totally self righteous). I even have had flashes of Jon and Kate, who just don't care enough anymore to go to so much trouble. There is already too much hurt and resentment. I don't want us to get to that point. So, I'm gonna suck up my ego, and try to love him to the best of my ability.

Pray for me, please, and I will try to blog the honest truth about how each day goes.

It's my prayer that this blog will not only help me in my journey, but that perhaps it could bring some hope to any of you who are struggling with these or other issues in your relationships.